Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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