Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
