woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
