Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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