I feel like abortions should bother me more
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
