listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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