At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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