so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She told me I should be a condom model.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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