when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
