Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
