two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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