I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
