i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
