Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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