So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I need a beard to bite.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
