It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
