just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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