So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
