mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
