Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
