i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
