I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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