happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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