is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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