piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
