i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
