fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
