her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
