come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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