no, he came in my armpit
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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