There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
