I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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