The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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