I wish i was in the wii world.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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