Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
