I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Randomize
