I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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