He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
