I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
