I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
