you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
