So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
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