I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
