Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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