The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
