im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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