I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
