I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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