just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
