I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
