I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
