OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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