I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
