I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
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Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
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Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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