Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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