i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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