I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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