The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
