How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
