I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
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Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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