i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
